The Barrow

It has become quite apparent through meditation and thought, that while the universe holds many, purely material it is not.

It seems from all possible viewpoints if you zoom far enough in or out, materialism eventually falls apart. Of this there can be no doubt.

For while it suffices to explain how a rock rolls down a hill, the cosmic mysteries of all creation are far more complex still.

Well, we've now completed the first camping trip after moving to the new house. It went better than expected and may precipitate more camping trips in the near future. We'd love to have a camper to leave down by the pond, though, like our little lakehouse.

The new house is perhaps 95% organized and unpacked. I still need to find a new stand for my retrogaming CRT, unpack that box, organize some items in our bedroom, take some old things to the thrift store to donate, and hang some things up.

This long weekend was sorely needed. I'm currently at my desk with a cup of coffee, fiddling with various computer things, listening to music, and generally enjoying life.

I stepped on an ant today, thoughtlessly. For no reason other than I could. I didn't think; I just did it. Immediately I felt bad, but what good was this to the ant?

I'm not going to cry if I step on an ant by accident, or if I have to kill ants to remove them from my own home or food. But there was no reason for this.

I will meditate on my failure.

It truly is a twist of divine irony that the ones we love most very consistently see the worst sides of us.

I think we all know how truly piercing it feels to see contempt in eyes which once only held love. And, if they've made you feel this way, it's likely you've made them feel this way as well. Remember that.

All parties involved have opportunities to break these cycles. However, you only control what you do. Take things into your hands and break the toxic cycle. Do this instead of throwing people away. This is how you build a lasting relationship, or fix one.

Goodbye, old house where I brought my son home, where he took his first steps one day, Goodbye, old house where our sorrows and joys were lived along toil and play.

Goodbye, old house, whose walls and whose roof have kept us from many a storm. Goodbye, old house, where good food and cheer made sure our spirits were warm.

Goodbye, old house, where years of our lives were spent to never return. Goodbye, old house, which was just now our home, where myriad lessons were learned.

Goodbye, old house, I'll always remember the years we spent with you. Goodbye, old house, and someday my son may still remember you too.

Moving is always a turbulent, liminal time, though it is often for the best. We're off to bigger and better things, but the transition period is always difficult.

I wish I could skip the next week.

General Update, 18 June 2025

I am now a homeowner. It's an almost surreal feeling, but a good one (mostly.)

I also feel extremely overwhelmed with everything that now needs done over the next few weeks. It's going to be a large project for sure.

However, once it's done, I will be free to pursue many other endeavors from a much more solid base.

I just wish I could focus right now. I need to meditate. I'm a tangled ball of nerves.

My home is now lost forever to the sands of time.

I cannot go back; for all that is reason and rhyme

Belongs to the cosmic ordainers, who, in eons and ages past

Commanded nothing in heaven or earth would ever be destined to last.

Cast slowly adrift on an ever-endless sea, they are deaf to all bargain, prayer, commandment or plea.

The current moves on, as heartless as a blade sundering the dreams we foolish men have made.

Nostalgia is perhaps my nemesis. It is both what I struggle with most, but also perhaps my greatest friend.

I remember everything so clearly – so vividly. I can close my eyes and return to dubstep-fueled college all-nighters in 2011. I remember how crisp October afternoons felt in 2004. I remember hot summer evenings in 2006. I remember the wonder I felt when I realized what the internet was capable of. I remember the excitement I felt about the future.

Now I look in the mirror and am bewildered by the old man looking back at me. I still feel youthful and happy in body and spirit, but things are just so... different now.

I cling on to things from the past. It's a huge part of who I am. I still browse DeviantArt and listen to Evanescence while IMing with internet friends late at night, trying not to wake my family.

Some things never change.

I frequently agonize over my motivations. Am I doing things for the right reasons, or selfish ones? Am I improving myself so people respect me or like me better? Am I cultivating discipline simply to acquire successes?

Maybe selfish people don't worry about this, but maybe I'm only worried about it, yet again, for selfish reasons. I'm currently worried I'm posting about it for selfish reasons, too. It's an endless spiral.